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2nd December 2007

4:19pm: i don't know who reads this thing anymore, if anyone, but i just wanted to write to let the internet world know how incredibly happy i am - even though it's snowing, now that's deep.

Current Mood: pleased

28th August 2007

9:45am: i never meant to hurt you, no
& you never meant to hurt me, too
but it seems like we always do
& even though I'm scared sometimes -
if I ever see you fallin' down
I'll be the one that's there for you

Things are... weird, lately. Derek and I broke up - I don't want to say "for good", but it's for now for good, if you catch my drift. What really sucks is that it's not either of our faults, we do love each other, and we really do have a lot of fun and make a good couple. Fucking Monica, though. The situation with her living there (and acting as if Derek is a guest in her home while it is, in fact, the other way around) was just too much for us to deal with. He wont tell her she has to find somewhere else to live, I can't handle feeling like I have to sneak around to be with my own boyfriend. She finally got what she wanted - me out of the picture - but she can't even stop there. She's literally trying to ruin my life - maybe drive me crazy? I just don't understand how people can be that hateful and malicious. Sorry to sound like a super hippy, but I just don't. Especially when you're in a position of needing charity and understanding from others, how can your life be a complete testament to the opposite. She is evil. I've been sick for about 2 days straight for no good reason, and I'm convinced that she put some kind of hex on me. I swear. If I die from this virus or whatever, go looking through Monica's shit, I bet you'll find a chunk of my hair or some shit laying around her room in voodoo position, or whatever. The past week has been hard. We ran away for 24 hours to go camping on Sat night; just us, no cell phones, no hateful people - nothing. It was how things are supposed to be. One day...

I'm writing this as I eat breakfast.. trying to take it slow so I don't puke or anything... or if I do, I will at least do it before I leave the house. I'm going down to school to talk to the Literacy Coach about curriculum so I can finally start planning my lessons (and learning about Social Studies, eek!). Hopefully the construction that was going on in my room will be done also so I can go check it out and set some shit up before Thursday when "professional development" begins. I'm very nervous... about everything from setting up, lesson planning, the first day, classroom management, meeting the other teachers... everything. I'm the only new teacher, and only one of three teaching fellows... I just hope everyone is nice to me. I just hope that I don't fuck up too badly my first year. =/ Then there's all of the paperwork and crap that has to be filled out that I don't really understand... ughhh. Being a grown up sucks.

Hopefully my social life doesn't abruptly come to an end now that school's starting... If you read this, and I like you, let's hang out!
Current Mood: groggy

20th August 2007

1:44pm: “Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night?”
- Jack Kerouac, On the Road

I don't update here often, and when I do, I'm usually complaining; this will be something different, I think.

I changed my layout and stuff. I think myspace is next.. the kind of thing I like to do on a rainy day...

So, driving -almost- across the country with my brother was a pretty interesting experience. We got to see a lot of states for the first time together, decided we'd like to visit Cincinatti and sang the first line of "Billy the Kid" every time we passed a roadsign that said Wheeling. I learned that underneath his typical rebellious teenage exterior, he's afraid at night like i am, doesn't like the idea of racing with 18-wheelers, worries about cars that are carrying "horsies", and thinks I'm mean and unchristian for being so hateful. Strangely, I also got a look into what it's like to be my mother, or any parent for that matter. At the Gathering, I often found myself feeling like Matthew was nasty, ungrateful and didn't want to be around his uncool older sister... I felt a lot like the parent who cannot fathom how they and their child suddenly became enemies, when it seemed like just days ago they were playing hide and go seek or some shit. So I let go a little bit, let him ride the Love Train, even though I didn't like the idea of him getting squirted with mustard and dead fish... another story... I think we're okay. He's a good kid. He seems depressed a lot, though, I just hope he's happy.

I haven't heard from I.S. 364 since I was hired before I left for Illinois, but either way everything is signed and ready... I'm just worried about lesson planning and everything, especially for the two social studies classes I'll have - part of a new "core curriculum" thing that is okay because it gives students a deeper connection between their subject areas, but shitty because it just increases the number of teachers who aren't totally qualified to teach the subject their teaching. Supposedly I'll be collaborating with an excellent veteran social studies teacher, though. I'm excited and terrified to finally actually have my own class. Life just keeps going these days. We all just keep growing up... it's not as scary as it used to seem; just... different.

As soon as I'm settled in at school and balancing coursework back at the University, I'm going to join a Tai Chi class at the school where Matt takes Judo - it's supposed to be healthy and relaxing - anyone want to join me?

I read in one of my mom's old woman/mother/housewife magazines that people need to get out of the "list making mindset" and live more fully in the moment, insteaad of always concentrating on what needs to be done next. That's a nice idea. Hard to do, I think, but a nice idea. Like I said, life is speeding by so fast these days, what is it if we can't enjoy the time we have. *sigh*

Maybe later tonight after helping Jess clean up, I'll go for a walk.
Current Mood: thoughtful

15th July 2007

4:35pm: the great thing about having a boyfriend is...
you can do cute couples things like take free swing dance lessons on a pier then stick around to test your new moves to live swing beats.

too bad

my boyfriend

has absolutely no problem dropping any and all plans

in the blink of an eye

for band practice.

i try not to bitch tooo much about the band. but really, of the four members, derek is the ONLY one who shows up at every practice. someone is always cancelling or just not showing up. then even when we already have plans, the minute he gets a call that they're jamming at 5:30, he's on his way to shower, change, and waste money he doesn't have on new guitar strings (which in and of itself is a perfectly fine reason to skip practice at least today!) when he already told them he couldn't make it today because we had plans. ugh.

Current Mood: disappointed

7th July 2007

10:49am: maybe i'm too young to keep good love from going wrong
i could be at the beach with jane, will &co... but i'm supposed to be out with my father & fam since my step brother is finally making an appearance and supposedly everyone was really excited about seeing me. too bad i've been calling him for 2 hours at the house and cell and not one answer. fuck that shit. i hate to sound like a spoiled brat but now i miss a day at the beach with my friends who i rarely see for not even any good reason - i'm gonna lay in bed all goddamn day and feel sorry for myself, funnn. woohoo.

everyone thinks derek loves me so much and i'm so cruel to him, but they don't see his total indifference. i think he needs a break from relationships in general, or maybe just a girlfriend who doesn't love him or care what he does.

ugh, everything is stupid.
and i have maddd homework to do.

i feel too young to hold on
but much too old
to just break free and run
Current Mood: disappointed

2nd July 2007

1:45pm: maybe the sun will shine today; the clouds will roll away
i'm not sure what i would do without Dunkin Donuts iced coconut coffee. America really does run on Dunkin.. my version of America, at least.

i sent out four resumes today. it's depressing that i don't have a job yet, and not really comforting that everyone seems to say that most schools hire like wildfire come the first weeks of August. i'm impatient. and unemployed.

my first installment of training stipend comes in this week or next, which i guess is good because i'm broke as hell and soon enough i'll have a car payment to make, i guess. i love my new car, but i think it's making bad noises already. i think i'm paranoid.

i'm confused and stressed about... everything. school takes up so much of my time and energy, as does homework, panic and arguing. i drove for a long time by myself on saturday; it wasn't really as comforting as i imagined. i waste a lot of time. like right now.

hate to sound like a broken record, but i really miss bernard. i think i would be calmer if i had a little furry thing with a pulse to talk to, look at, snuggle with, and, like, bite me. maybe i'll go get myself one today. is that considered cheating?

Current Mood: eh

12th June 2007

2:35pm: changes
livejournal's different. myspace is different. looking for a job. my brother is taller than me... and has muscles.

freaking everything is changing. wtf.

i remember the other day i had a really good idea for an entry here and i was all excited about it. obviously i've forgotten all about that. so all you get is my (short) rant on "change is bad".

also, i like LOST.
Current Mood: hot

14th May 2007

11:13pm: searching for something that i could never give you

i got an A on my thesis. pending some silly additions. finally.

i'm trying to study for an ethics & morality final and really proud of myself for thinking i would be done before midnight, then i get a call from dave...

i hate that i can't be there when he needs me.
i hate that he needs me...

he's been drinking. and doesn't see a problem with it. then after i outline his entire life story for him and why it really is a problem, he laughs because i know him too well. i think i missed the fucking punchline there.

i worry about him. every single day.
for a long time, i was the one who wasn't doing well. now it's back to him again and i start to feel like he's gotten absolutely nowhere in four years and i sometimes would rather me be in a bad way than him.

his girlfriend bought him a ticket to nj for the 26-june 3. i'm not sure why she did it... who even knows if it was a good idea. but i'm picking him up from the airport, i guess. god help him if he's not 100% sober because i will leave his ass in the middle of ghetto ass newark and never look back.

how can i study at a time like this? really.
Current Mood: anxious

10th May 2007

10:18am: don't go outside and discover that you like being free
i have so so much to do. ugh. the thing that's driving me at this point is knowing that in one week i will be done for good. well, for good until june. for good with adelphi, at least. MA classes will be tons easier, i assume, considering they'll be Ed classes. i haven't seen anyone i really like in such a long time. except for like the 3 people that i really like from adelphi. ummm someone tell me how i'm going to make "major revisions" on my thesis and write one of three philosophy finals by tomorrow. as usual, derek is stupid and trying to make my life hard; what a bag of douche. what a terrible stream of consciousness entry this has been. i smell poo. really. ew.
Current Mood: busy

3rd May 2007

8:49pm: when people are happy to hear you're anorexic...
prof. baumel told my mom i'm a genius... she also said that she's happy to hear that i haven't been sleeping or eating. apparently, in order to write a really great thesis, one needs to engage in some sort of eating disorder. i'm really done freaking out about it; i know she's going to give me an A. one more all-nighter, tonight, and then i'm putting this shit behind me (besides minor revisions) until next week, or even the week after, when i have my defense.

phew. almost there.
Current Mood: tired

24th April 2007

3:43pm: everytime i work really hard on a thesis chapter, it gets torn to shreds and i have to start all over. great, considering i have like two weeks left to do it. ummm... how come when i write papers i get crazy A's and on this shit a bunch of re-dos. arararar

22nd April 2007

8:20pm: revelation
hi, my name is valerie and the prospect of my having a nightlife any longer just does not look promising. (disclaimer: basically, that one sentence sums up this whole entry, the rest gets pretty personal/emotional... read at your own risk)

i have so much to do that i've been only working on in the most half-assed sense or putting off all together. i woke up this morning, puked twice and slept for the most of day under a giant cloud of guilt because there's more than i can handle in one day, let alone a couple of hours, to be done.

sometimes i feel so free by giving up a little on responsibility and doing what feels right, living in the moment. i feel like i've worked so hard for so long that i deserve a reprieve. but that's just it, "a reprieve".... i certainly don't need four reprieves a week, especially when i've got this thesis to write, a job interview on teusday, and school work up the ass. i don't think i've drank this much since sophomore year when jane and i earned our title as lushes, but i was sad then... or getting over being sad. now, i couldn't be happier (well, i'm sure i could but who couldn't?) - i'm graduating, if i would just sit down for a couple of hours i would have an awesome thesis about something i really love written in no time, i'm on the fast track to my dream job, getting a new car, and actually making friends! rather than going out to make up for everything that's wrong in my life, what's actually taking a toll on me is all of this "fun".

now that i'm watching the sun set from my bed, i find myself wondering in the safety of my dark bedroom why i'm doing this to myself. self destructing. creating the necessary conditions (as kant would put it) for major problems when there is no problem this time, no reason to escape. i'm over it. i wrote in here over the summer that no responsibilities could be fun for awhile and that i sometimes admire jess for the zeal with which she approaches that ideal, but that i need stability in my life. i still do.

there's a big difference between setting impossible expectations for yourself and letting all expectations go. no, it doesn't matter if i get a "B" in a class, i'm not going to kill myself over it, but why strive for it? i'm disappointed in myself, really. puking fucking sucks, but insofar as it led me to put my life back into perspective, i'm happy about choking on bile (and that's a whole other story, for another reflective entry... if i'm going to be a rolemodel for my students, what i need to do is go to the gym, plain and simple; people need to eat).

so, a compromise would be to go out once a week, even if it's on sunday. once is quite enough. but really, when i'm looking at it from this angle, i don't even want to. i don't particularly like those people, and i'm sure they don't care for me either, other than that i'm jess's friend. that could be my social weirdness though, so whatever, but last night was the last straw. (don't get me wrong, i had a lot of fun dancing with nikki, and *gasp* strangers! but i guess i expect more from the people i actually know) if i'm doing something nice like driving you home, i really don't expect to be criticized for the entire ride by some asshole who i don't even know... furthermore, i expect those who i do know to stick up for me, rather than just telling me to calm down and stop yelling. what the fuck, if i'm wasting my time and gas on your fat ass, you can just as well get the fuck out of the car and walk if you don't like the way i drive, the music i play, whatever. the one thing that really pisses me off is people telling me i'm a bad driver - maybe that's vain or something but i don't care. i know that i drive really well, prevent accidents with my cat like reflexes, and get where i'm going fast... i can't stand being told that i'm dangerous because i'm just not. anyway, that's a complete digression from where i'm going with this, but i sat in my car and cried after i kicked everyone out for making me so nervous... i don't need that, to be crying and getting worked up over stupid shit and people who don't matter. i don't want to have to feel like my presence is valued because of my willingness to transport. fuck that shit.

moreso, i don't need the next day to be told by my supposed best friend that i overreacted because this guy just happens to be an asshole and was drunk and stupid, as if that's an excuse for shitty behavior. i definitely do not need to be questioned as to "how he treated me like an asshole", as if taking advantage of me, calling me a bitch repeatedly, and making me anxious by yelling and complaining about my driving for the whole fucking ride wasn't enough. the "only sober person there" didn't consider those things so bad? whatever.

starting tonight, i'm going to rectify what i've been doing wrong for the past two months. clean up - my room, my body. get enough sleep.
Current Mood: irritated. sick. tired. busy.

6th April 2007

1:08pm: fheriaoufneafajnfianjrfnawnfawln;!


for lack of better words, today really sucks. really.

i've been up since 7:30 trying to write my thesis (like every morning of vacation, psh) and it's 1pm now and i have barely gotten anything done at all because it took me like three hours to go to the "mid-manhatten" library and pick up a book i need. a book, by the way, that no barnes & noble or other library on the continent has. wtf.

i owe the tax people $600 because i "made too much money for a student". y'okay.

bad day, traffic, pain... means i don't feel like writing. =/

also, my back needs to be cracked. badly.
Current Mood: frustrated

1st April 2007

7:17pm: every little thing is gonna be alright
car shopping with matt & daddy-o today. vw rabbit, 'sgonna be mine... come august.

we're thinking it's smart to wait until the '08s come out so maybe i can get my baby for a little cheaper, and i'll have a lot more money at my disposal thanks to nyctf, but basically, i'm so much in love. so much.

let's just hope the sentra doesn't crap out on me (again) before that. haha

in other news: i've got one of four papers that are due next week finished. not too impressive, considering i've also got stupid thesis to do. rarrar =/

also, i hate my mother. a lot.
she fights with me about: what 'people think', which leads to wearing heels when i obviously should not for pain/safety reasons; how my step-brother and sister, who i love dearly, are not my "real" family and shouldn't get to go to graduation even though i invited them before she invited my aunt and uncle; more.... & then blames me for fighting and treating her badly.
the only really crappy thing about the new car is that it's going to seriously postpone moving out, which almost makes me want to vomit.
Current Mood: excited

18th March 2007

9:17am: who needs starbucks, anyway?
i'm sitting in my totally clean room sipping on my very own homemade soy vanilla latte; i certainly do not need starbucks, i don't know about you. it's delish.

so sometimes i write about the most mundane crap on here, like what conversations in the writing center i'm eavesdropping on, and i can't believe i've gone a whole two days without updating on the most important thing to ever happen in my entire life! friday night i was in the yuckiest mood because of the stupid snow/ice storm and dave's resulting stuckness in jerz. (of course the weather goes from 66 to icestorm in a matter of days when i'm gearing up to see my longlost best friend, whatev; fuck weather.) anyway, i'm all upset and ready to go to bed early and be completely miserable when i do my before-bed-email-check. and who the fuck decided to e-mail me at, like, 8pm?! NYC Teaching Fellows! naturally, my heart stopped as i logged into the website to check my status which, believe it or not, is "accepted"! i think i'm still in shock; i was completely prepared for a rejection, and was perfectly ecstatic with the possibility of going to bennington. but here i am, really accepted, and going to be in a classroom, an English classroom, at that, in six months! dude. first of all, that is just so heavy. second, i was sure that if i got accepted at all, considering their major mishap with not enough spaces as they were imagining, i would be assigned to special ed, which i ranked just as high as english just so i could sort of guaruntee myself a spot.

yesterday i went shopping with my mom for my cousins wedding and she bought me tons of "work clothes", and did not refrain from laughing at me in the dressing rooms - apparently, i don't look like myself in a button-up shirt and slacks. ha.

life is so good right this second. i still miss david, though; someone fly me to miami for being so proud of my new job!
Current Mood: jubilant

9th March 2007

10:57am: lyrics. ew, yeah, it's one of those
Looking out the door
I see the rain fall upon the funeral mourners
Parading in a wake of sad relations
As their shoes fill up with water

Maybe I'm too young
To keep good love from going wrong
But tonight, you're on my mind so
You never know

Broken down and hungry for your love
With no way to feed it
Where are you tonight?
Child, you know how much I need it.
Too young to hold on
And too old to just break free and run

Sometimes a man gets carried away,
When he feels like he should be having his fun
Much too blind to see the damage he's done
Sometimes a man must awake to find that, really,
He has no-one...

So I'll wait for you... And I'll burn
Will I ever see your sweet return?
Oh, will I ever learn?
Oh, Lover, you should've come over
Cause it's not too late.

Lonely is the room the bed is made
The open window lets the rain in
Burning in the corner is the only one
Who dreams he had you with him
My body turns and yearns for a sleep
That won't ever come
It's never over,
My kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder
It's never over,
all my riches for her smiles when I slept so soft against her...
It's never over,
All my blood for the sweetness of her laughter...
It's never over,
She's a tear that hangs inside my soul forever...

But maybe I'm just too young to keep good love
From going wrong
Oh... lover you should've come over...

Yes, and I feel too young to hold on
I'm much too old to break free and run
Too deaf, dumb, and blind
To see the damage I've done
Sweet lover, you should've come over
Oh, love, well I'll wait for you
Lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late.

-J. Buckley<3
10:13am: maybe there's a god above...
... but all i've ever learned from love is how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya

i barely have words for how devastated i am. i don't want to go to another funeral, and i don't have the heart to tell my father. so i'm going, of course.. but i'm so sick of being strong when i know i'm about to fall the hell apart. and i don't want the family worrying about what i'm going to do when there is so much else to worry about.

maybe it's disrespectful to say when i'm on my way to my uncle's wake, but it's times like this that i really really miss bernard. the most he would do to a boy i loved would be to bite the shit out of him... certainly not exchange massages or anything of the sort. ohhh bernardo...

my nails don't match a funeral, and i feel stupid.
i have so many papers due, and i feel like i don't even care if i don't write them at this point.
i've been feeling like i have to vomit since last night at the diner. great.
Current Mood: crushed

7th March 2007

6:28pm: what would love be without wishful thinking?
so i'm in the school library. i def haven't sat in here for a long time probably since freshman year (before i discovered the writing center) buttttttt i can't get any work done there.. so here i am. also kind of not doing work. which, is justified by the fact that i just calculated what my final grade for history would be if i got a B- on the midterm and then averaged an A on the papers and final: A-. which i'm totally fine with, i wouldn't even mind a B, really. ugh, i sound like such an honors college elitist. but anyway, justified break.

i really wish i had headphones for my i-pod bc i want to be listening to muuusic right now.

i woke up this morning to crappy as hell news: my uncle joey passed after we've been waiting for a month for it to happen.. i don't really feel like talking about it. but, my grief was countered by the fact that i also woke up to a beautiful arrangement of flowers going up my front steps thanks to jack and his sister's wedding which was last night. so i feel like this ):) get it? yeah.

jessica home tomorrow.

i can't believe i'm midway through my last semester at adelphi. that sounds a lot like crazy talk.
Current Mood: calm

25th February 2007

10:32pm: i made something!
"Who wakes up one day and says
,,,,,,,, 'I want to play with fire'?"
Actually, you counter, that's exactly how it starts.
and maybe we all like a little danger...

There were moments when I danced with you
like the world wasn't watching -
my arms, outstretched, pulled energy from the air and
your neck
and fueled my tired feet and hips.

I told you while we watched fire
woven by a laughing girl,
our own fingers searching and cold,
that you made me not afraid.

Safe from strangers and flames,
it was the truth that taught me to forget
to dance. My arms, energry seekers, weighed down
with remembering. That is,
one day having to.

I want to know all that lies
behind the way you move.
When will we speak of the messiah -
his first, or second, coming?

22nd February 2007

7:32pm: nyc teaching fellows.
not good news.
but not bad news either.

apparently, they have more qualified applicants than they can actually give the fellowship to (which is so weird bc their mantra is like "we need to fill so many spots in the nyc school system, we could literally take everyone who's interviewing today and still need more"). so anyway, i'm in a pool of limbo people. not rejected, but not accepted either. and now the decision isn't even dependent on my ability, which i was nervous about to begin with, but the completely arbitrary circumstance of how many people they decide they can actually take. ew. april 1st, that's when they'll tell me by. i'll keep you posted.

in other news, i like a boy. he likes me too. we don't care if we basically aren't allowed to have a future together bc we like each other anyway. oh, and i knew there was a reason i drunkenly freaked out on adelphi people ranting that they're not actually my real friends (besides the fact that they aren't).. leah is definitely trying to get in this guys pants or something totally behind my back. weird. good thing he's so nice and read me all of the myspace messages she secretly sent him. psh!

21st February 2007

3:13am: well, i can't say that i didn't see it coming.

i don't want to write a lot about it because i've already written pages in my actual journal and none of you actually care anyway. and it's none of your business.

i can almost see where hitler was coming from.

okay, harsh? yeah. but... it's just such a ridiculous fucking rule. maybe old adolf was actually in love with a jew, and was the kind of "if i cant have her ill exterminate her entire race" kind. like peggy-o? the song.... if ever i return, all your cities i will burn and destroy all the people in the area.. i'd like to do that. i haven't the means.

don't expect to see me anytime soon. either i'm going to throw myself entirely into self-medication or my school work. let's keep me out of bars and go for the latter, huh?
Current Mood: utterly crushed

19th February 2007

2:29pm: i'm slowly turning my house vegetarian. obv since i'm too lazy to cook my own meals or not eat what's thrown in front of me that's the only way to do it, haha. my biggest selling point was introducing my mother to the health benefits of soy... that's all about that for now, except that i wish i was eating some absolutely delish tofu pad thai that i have the the wc fridge right now but i'm waiting for a stupid appointment to show up. psh. my mom most certainly did not cook the pad thai, and actually the where and how of getting it is what i really want to write about. intruiging, right?

no? well.. yeah.

i met a boy. we were supposed to meet for coffee in hipster hell, and we did, but we ended up spending the entire sunday together.. there was thai food involved. basically, i adore him.. he seems to feel a lot of the same.

what's the catch? he's an orthodox jew; he's extremely religious as is his family. i'm pretty sure that dating non-orthodox-jew people is against the rules or something. and and even if dating is okay, i'm sure marriage is out of the question - his parents routinely set him up on marriage dates with nice jewish girls. not like i want to marry this guy or anything, but i just don't want to get super involved with someone whose religion basically dictates that the possibility is out of the question. make sense? i probably wouldn't even be thinking so hard about this, but as i told my mom last night, the same thing happened to charlotte from sex & the city and it was like a totally scarring experience for her.. even though she did end up marrying the guy, all sorts of drama ensued. anyway, i have a lot of tattoos, and i want a lot more. that's also not allowed, but it's also technically not allowed by catholics either. psh. i hate rules man. i don't know. this is a stupid entry.

oh, i also think that if he were to ever meet leah he would fall madly in love with her. and she is jewish. pshhh.

my appointment is here, but she's not ready to work. i'm gonna get myself to pad thai. yum.
Current Mood: confused

9th February 2007

1:08pm: why does the emoticon for "dorky' look like that?!
so this is going to be one of those 'ya had to be there' funny kind of stories, but i guess i want to write this down so i never forget, and also i need to hold in my laughter bc it's not really a polite situation to laugh out, so hopefully it diffuses into the computer. a tutor is talking about being beaten as a child or something, but just really graphically and funnily and joe, another tutor, just looked at me across the comps and we shared kind of a ridiculous meaningful look and it was great. haha. but anyway.

i made hot chocolate/coffee and it's delish!

i don't remember what else i had to say. damn.

look at that dorky icon!
Current Mood: dorky

7th February 2007

4:07pm: updates. like crazy. sorta.
as usual i'm freaking out about my thesis, but i talked to greg (as in, mercurio) and he pretty much yelled at me for doubting my ideas and said they were great and got giddy and excited which made me giddy and excited. so, yeah. thesis, not so bad.

i left greg's office, checked my e-mail and my thesis advisor fowarded me an e-mail of her recommending me for some award and she wrote such a nice letter about me. i don't even care if i win or not (even though $500 would be nice) i'm just so happy that i basically idolize prof. baumel and she thinks so highly of me.

gre = done. i did better than the average bear; of course it's not good enough for my own crazy expectations, but that's just crazy me.

dave makes me so angry, obv. like, as usual he expects me to be there for him at a moment's notice and support him and care if he's sad or not but he doesn't return the favor whenever i need it and doesn't show much interest in even talking to me when he's not looking for something out of it. jane says "duh". duhhh.

i'm applying to bennington and st. john's. i know i'll get into sju, hoping against hope for bennington though. which, reminds me that i need to get some recommendation letters from profs. haven't heard from the teaching fellows, i dunno.

it's my birthday next weekend! &nnnnd the hounds of hell are playing! haha what could be better?
Current Mood: not too shabby

31st January 2007

5:00pm: if livin' is the problem, well that's just baffling
sometime in the next week i should be finding out about the nyc teaching fellows, i'm not feeling very positive about it. i haven't applied to any grad schools yet and i'm sick of everything being so uncertain.

just thought you'd like to know.
Current Mood: anxious
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